If I’m really honest, I struggle to understand the undertaking I have ahead of me.  On one hand I think it’s just about the extra weight. But on the other hand, I acknowledge there are deeper issues at play. My disordered  behaviors around food as well as poor body image go way back. I’ve done the whole gamut: binged, purged, starved, eaten in secret, taken diet pills, done cleanses. Even at my thinnest, healthiest weight as a competitive athlete I ate chaotically and loathed my body.

It’s tempting in this season (yes, I’m claiming it’s only a season!) of being my absolute heaviest and clinically overweight to just focus on weight loss. Find the sexiest diet, train hard six days a week, drink only water and green tea. But it’s hardly ever just about the weight. It’s about the heart.

It’s easy to feel shame for stumbling on my journey. For years before, during and after I wrote HEAL (Healthy Eating and Abundant Living) I was in a place of health and freedom. But life is messy. We breakdown. Fall back. But I can’t let shame define me. As I’ve written before:

The shameful parts of your past have no credible place in the glorious part of your present or future. Unless you intentionally choose to invite them in, your mistakes, failures and even breakdowns don’t deserve a role in beautiful unfolding of what is yet to come.

I still believe it’s in the light that healing takes place. I’ve decided to share in this safe space this battle I’m in because I believe it’s an important step to my healing. So today, for the first time in my life I am admitting that I am in recovery from disordered eating or EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). It’s going to take a lot of fight to get free. I’m not backing down. I wan’t full freedom. Let the fight begin.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. -Isaiah 43:19

Where are you on your HEAL (Healthy Eating, Abundant Living) Journey? How can I encourage and pray for you?

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