Here’s to the Breakdowns

I want to be honest in this little space. So here it goes. I recently came undone. Again. For the countless time. I hit a rough patch to say the least while I was on Kauai for a retreat for young women. Details spared. It was brutal, excruciatingly painful and scary. It’s terrifying to be out of sorts. Thankfully I am on the mend.

This time though, I believe I’m coming back stronger and even more resilient than I was before this dramatic little episode. Sure, it’s only been a few weeks and I don’t want to jinx my progress, but I see God’s love and His fingerprints all over my yucky mess. Like the time a dear friend stopped by unexpectedly to sit and pray with me as I wrestled awful thoughts and was on the verge of going to the hospital. Or when after finishing a spin class, an acquaintance opened up to me about her own struggles, shattering the facade I was trying so hard to keep up and reminding me that it’s okay to not be okay. Or like when a friend’s mom sought me out and reminded me that medication is a gift to be received without shame.

I’ve witnessed the real, strong love of family – my brother booking an emergency flight so he could be with me and the healing balm of mother-in-law’s homemade turkey soup. My mom and dad dropping everything to give me company and fight for me when I was unable to fight for myself. The love of a husband who meant his words when he said “for better or worse.”

The last four years have been decorated by struggle and disappointment ever since I returned from an international trip that threw me into a tailspin. I’m learning how wildly sensitive I am in mind, spirit and body and how sacred my sleep is. I’m wired a little more fragile than most, and I’m trying to accept this. The past four years as I reeled from my prior breakdown (Brene Brown would call it a spiritual awakening- I like that better), I lived in a constant fog of comparison, envy, gluttony, insecurity and insidious addictions. I was lost in a sea of Instagram posts and overwhelmed by my own self-imposed shortcomings. But this time, I want to emerge from the fire changed and transformed.

The beautiful things is, my most recent breakdown spiritual awakening has given me a fresh restart. I’m relearning simple, basic things like how to get a good night’s sleep and I’m learning to live whole, to be “made well.” I’m forming new habits – like rising before the sun, putting my phone down for hours at a time, moving my body because it feels good, drinking calm tea, and being honest with my husband in the little and big things. I’m living a less hurried life. I’m preaching to myself the things I preach to others. Grace. Imperfection. Worthiness. So here’s to our spiritual awakenings — may they refine us, remake us and renew us.

Have you ever had a breakdown spiritual awakening? What was your experience like?



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